Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
