Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
