life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
