This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i drank out of a bidet.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
