I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
