I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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