She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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