The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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