I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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