Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
