i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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