Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
