I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
