instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
