Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
