Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
