Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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