you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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