I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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