After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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