I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sober January is a disaster.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
