a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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