vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
