remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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