thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
