I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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