i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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