I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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