Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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