Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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