The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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