Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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