Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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