I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
