im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
