Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
