Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
