you didnt know i had herpes?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
