my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
