so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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