You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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