I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
