Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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