I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The beers last night were like the tears from god
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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