I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
