Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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