Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
