Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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