So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
