I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
