I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
