Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
