Are we in a gay sports bar?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
