im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
