Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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