I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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